


mayhem

by yourlocalheartbreaker



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner Whump, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bombings, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode: s04e01 Mayhem, F/M, Gen, Hospitals, Hotch Whump, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Hurt/Comfort, Mayhem AU, Sad Aaron Hotchner, Trigger Warnings Are In The Note, i actually don't know how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29095338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalheartbreaker/pseuds/yourlocalheartbreaker
Summary: there was silence as she turned him, and when he looked up at her, there were tears falling down her cheeks.he knew almost immediately what she meant. the blood was coming from his legs. the bomb had damaged them. badly. so badly that there was a chance he would never walk again. he would never be a field agent. never lift jack, never dance with penelope. never reach for the gun on his left leg.but she still hadn't said anything. maybe there was hope that they were just overreacting.(the mayhem au where hotch and kate's positions are reversedchapter two is the alternate ending)
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner & Derek Morgan, Aaron Hotchner & Emily Prentiss, Aaron Hotchner & Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner, Penelope Garcia & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Aaron Hotchner
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, if you've been on my tumblr recently, this is all i've spoken about. low-key hate the ending and everything from the hospital scene onwards but we move. it's almost midnight, i haven't proofread it, so please forgive any and all errors
> 
> trigger warnings: bombings, canon-typical violence, lots of blood, hospitals, spinal injuries that result in the use of a cane and wheelchair, canonical minor character deaths, serious injury of a main character, what i would describe as unhealthy thoughts about death
> 
> i think that's everything, if i've missed anything, please let me know!

The first thing Aaron noticed when he opened his eyes was that it was dark. It was so incredibly dark, which doesn't make any sense because all the streetlights were on when they had been leaving the building.

They. Because he had been with Kate. He'd been telling her everything was going to be fine. That they would catch their unsubs, and she didn't need to worry about being reassigned or losing anyone's respect. But that if they did want to reassign her, there would always be a place for her at Quantico.

She had smiled, and the panging in his stomach that seemed to get worse every time a member of his team so much as looked at him receded slightly. She had bumped his shoulder as they walked back to the car, and it had felt just like the old days, when they'd spent a month liaising together.

He remembers that month perfectly. She was amazing, captivating an entire room with nothing more than a look. Confidence radiated from her, drawing everyone in and commanding their attention. But she'd been so kind. So gentle. Never once teasing him for his own awkward nature. Kate had encouraged him to phone Haley at every opportunity, saying love was a beautiful thing to witness.

Kate met Haley and the two got on like best friends. After she first transferred over, the three of them had gone for dinner a few times, just to help her get settled and remind her that she did in fact, have some friends in the area.

When the two of them joked about their similarities, it had made him blush, but laugh nonetheless. When Emily Prentiss said it, it made him feel nauseous. He knew she didn't respect him, and still resented him for the way he'd acted- even though he had been right- but to assume that he'd cheated had cut him deeper than any of her previous insults.

He was getting distracted. He needed to work out where Kate was. Because they were on a case. It had made him and Derek argue. No, it wasn't the time to be thinking about that. He would try and remember it later. For now, he needed to raise his head, and find Kate.

Hotch didn't know why he was on the ground. It didn't make any sense, and when he lifted his head, the world started spinning so fast, he let out a low whine of pain and let it drop onto the tarmac of the road once more. He thought the fact that nothing changed should have concerned him more than it did.

There was still no sign of Kate.

"Kate," he whispered. He cleared his throat. "Kate," he shouted again, flinching when it sounded too loud. It echoed around him, like a schoolground taunt because Kate wasn't there. Had she left him? No, that wasn't who she was.

He was starting to panic. He tried to stand, but his legs weren't cooperating, and he didn't know where he was or what had happened. There was nobody to ground him. In moments like these, he would usually seek out JJ. She would take his hand for a few moments, convince him he was doing enough.

But JJ didn't trust him either. Not enough to tell him she was pregnant. Seeing Will had been a comfort, because it meant that there was someone for her to turn to, but he had seen her face just before she announced her pregnancy.

She hadn't wanted to say anything. And when he looked in her eyes, he saw the same nervous excitement he'd seen in Haley's when she came out of the doctor's office. Adrian Bale had killed six agents only days later. He'd been lucky to walk away. He still visited Jacqueline's grave every year, wishing he could tell her in person that his son was named Jack.

"Kate," he whispered again, this time to himself. It would be his mantra. She would find him. She would. She had to. It had to be her. Nobody else. Only her.

Almost like his wishing summoned her, she came running over. There was blood in her hair, and it seemed to be pooling around her ear. He didn't want to know whether or not it was hers, but it couldn't have been anyone else's. There was more splattered across her clothes.

The sight of her made his heart calm. But the blood made him panic. He twisted around as much as he could, and saw the fire, now reduced down to a few embers and ashes as the night gave little fuel, caused by the car. The same car they were supposed to be driving to the place that the rest of his team would be.

"Kate," he tried again.

She shook her head. "Don't speak. Don't try and speak. You need to save your energy. Okay?"

"What- what happened?"

She pushed his hair off his forehead, the gesture so familiar and foreign at the same time. Haley had always done that to him, when they were laying on the sofa, in the early hours of the morning, when they were eating. He winced at the thought of her. 

"I don't know. I think there was a bomb. No, I don't think, there was. But we're okay. We're going to be okay."

"Do you promise?" he choked out. His ears were ringing, and he didn't know where the blood was coming from, but it didn't seem to be stopping.

Kate's eyes drifted down to his trousers. The blood had stained them beyond repair. She didn't respond, and that set of alarm bells. Long ago, Kate had vowed that if she thought she was going to lie to him, she just wouldn't answer.

"Kate?"

"Do you know where the blood is coming from?" she asked, voice shaking.

He shook his head. He wanted to ask what had happened to her, but his mouth couldn't form the words. It was like they were frozen on his tongue. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

The smile she gave him was fond. "That's okay Aaron. But please stop talking. You need to save your energy for your team. Because as soon as the bleeding stops enough, we're going to find a way to them. That I can promise."

"Surprised you like them," he said, before he could stop himself.

She shrugged. "I mean, it was nothing I haven't heard before. I need you to work with me here. Lift yourself slightly, then I can turn you around, and we can work out exactly how to get you better," she said, hands ready to move him.

He did it, surprised when it didn't hurt him. In fact, it didn't do anything. He was momentarily stunned by the fact that he had indeed turned himself over, because his legs just felt numb. 

Almost like he hadn't moved them at all. 

A chill ran down his spine and he tried to turn around again. He couldn't do it. He couldn't move his legs. He refused to believe it though, and he looked down, trying to shake one of his legs out. It didn't move. No matter how hard he tried, it wouldn't move.

"No," he cried. 

Kate hadn't said a word. She was just staring at him. "Oh Aaron. I'm so sorry. I'm- I am so, so sorry. None of this was meant to happen. Not to you."

She needed him to be strong. So he tried his best to crack a grin. "It was going to be one of us. I'm glad it was me. Too many people need you for you to be the one lying here."

That made her laugh. "Sure. Me, the single woman from England that sounds like the bloody queen and is hated by most of the field office for all of those reasons, and you, the leader of the BAU, who has a wife and a son."

He didn't have the heart to tell her that his team hated him. Or that his wife had left, and his son would likely only have fuzzy memories of him.

She cleared her throat. "Look, I didn't actually manage to move you properly. And you're not moving your legs, probably because you're exhausted. So let me look properly. We're probably overreacting," she said, but her voice sounded shaky.

He nodded. It was so difficult to keep his eyes open. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew Kate would hate that. So he kept his them as wide open as he could, taking comfort in the warmth of her hands on his body.

There was silence as she turned him, and when he looked up at her, there were tears falling down her cheeks.

He knew almost immediately what she meant. The blood was coming from his legs. The bomb had damaged them. Badly. So badly that there was a chance he would never walk again. He would never be a field agent. Never lift Jack, never dance with Penelope. Never reach for the gun on his left leg. But she still hadn't said anything. Maybe there was hope that they were just overreacting.

"Tell me," he said.

She opened and closed her mouth. "I don't have enough medical knowledge to say anything Aar. I don't. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, but I'm putting pressure on the wound. Can you feel it? The pressure I'm putting on it?"

He shook his head, and it was that small thing that broke the dam. The tears that he had been fighting escaped, streaming down his cheeks and he tasted salt on his mouth as they dripped onto his shirt, doing nothing to wash away the blood.

"I don't feel anything. I haven't since I came round. Kate, do you think I'm going to die?"

"No. No, you're not going to die because I'm going to save you. I promise."

That made him feel safe. Kate Joyner never broke a promise. He nodded, trying to ignore the pain in his head and the ringing in his ears. But then he paused. The pain meant he was alive and not completely broken.

"Okay, all I need to do is, I need to, maybe if I," Kate murmured to herself.

Hotch tried to look at her. "Your voice is really soothing. Did you know? I think you should read books to people. You could make a lot of money doing it. And then you could be one of these people that everyone says has a lovely voice."

She let out a slight laugh. "Thank you Aaron."

"Spencer- you know the baby one- he could probably tell me why exactly I find your voice as soothing as I do. He's a genius. Well, he doesn't think intelligence can be quantified, but he has an IQ of 187, a reading speed of 20,000 words a minute and three Phds."

"I know, you told me, remember?" she said, moving his hair off his face again. All his movement had messed it up again, and it was getting in his eyes.

"He thinks I'm a narcissist," Aaron blurted out.

"I'm sure he doesn't," Kate said, slightly absent-mindedly as she tried to work out why Aaron's voice sounded so far away. When she pressed a hand to her ear, it came away red. And wet. The blood hadn't stopped. She swallowed and wiped her hand on her skirt. She would be fine, but if she didn't sort out Aaron soon, he wouldn't be.

"He said so. When he was kidnapped. He said that he chose me to die, because I was a narcissist. At the time, I didn't think he meant it, but now I think he did. I mean, he was right, wasn't he? I was so excited about seeing you again that I put myself above them."

"No Aaron, you didn't," she said. 

"JJ thinks I'm a bully. Emily said I don't trust women as much as men. Dave wasn't on the team at that point, but he probably thinks I'm a dick as well. But I just- Kate, I know they don't like me, but why would they assume we slept together? Do I really seem like someone who would cheat on their wife?"

He was losing a dangerous amount of blood. It coated her hands, mixed with her own and for the first time, she wasn't completely sure she knew how to save him. 

"No. You don't. You never have. Aaron, the blood isn't stopping. What am I supposed to do?"

The desperation in her voice stopped him from thinking about how, even after all this time, the team's perception of him had never changed. Not after he saved them all from getting fired. Not after he looked Emily in the eye and told him he wanted her on that plane with him.

She had just told him that he wasn't human.

"Aaron," Kate pleaded. "Please."

She wasn't a field agent. She had always been a desk agent. Always. The only reason she'd been out with them was because he had asked her. The only reason she'd gone down to the building with him was because he had wanted to talk to her, away from everyone else and their judgemental stares.

He had told her everything was going to be fine. And she had told him that she already knew that, because he was there.

"I don't know Kate. I don't. Maybe I can help you with your injuries? My hands aren't useless."

They were shaking though. He was beginning to feel very cold.

She knew her ear was not okay. And she was almost certain that there were wounds that he couldn't see all over her body. But he couldn't feel his legs, his eyes were flicking to various spots around the area and his body was losing too much blood. So for the first time, she lied to him.

"My injures will be fine. What we need to focus on is you."

Ambulance sirens pierced the air. She knew they wouldn't come. In fact, they had specifically instructed that no emergency services were to go anywhere near the injured parties until the area was secured. It had been her idea.

But that had been before it was Aaron laying on the ground.

"Help me!" she screamed, hating the way her voice wavered. She was a woman. She had spent most of her life fighting to keep emotion from clouding her tone, and here she was, sobbing over a man that knew how to read people like a child's book.

Nobody came. She wouldn't stop trying though.

"Please! Help me! He's a federal agent. He works for the BAU. Help me!"

Hotch grabbed her hand and she looked down at him. "They aren't coming. Remember?"

"They have to," she whispered. "They just have to. I'm not strong enough to save you myself. I need help. I need you to tell me what to do."

"Oh Kate. You're so strong. So much stronger than you know."

"Aar, tell me what I'm supposed to do."

He opened his mouth. Then he closed it. "I don't know. I don't- we learnt what you're meant to do, and I remember trying to save one of the agents but I couldn't. I couldn't do it."

"It's okay," she whispered, looking up at the people in the distance. "Please help us! He's losing too much blood and I can't make it stop."

"Kate. They won't do it. It's one life versus several."

"But it's your life," she said, hating how childish she sounded.

He shrugged, then winced. 

"Hey. I was nearby, and I heard all the screaming. I'm not a medical professional, but I couldn't just walk away. Is there anything- literally, anything- that would help either of you?" a man said.

Kate's jaw dropped. If she was a better person, she would tell him to walk away, just in case. But she wasn't. And he was just one person. Probably a college student, trying to be a hero. Not worth hurting. 

Then again, she never thought her and Aaron would be worth hurting either.

"Help me move him onto his side. The blood isn't stopping, and we need to work out why, okay?" she said, making a decision she hoped she would live to regret.

The man nodded. Something about him seemed off, but she shrugged the thought away. She wasn't a profiler and Aaron was suffering. If someone was willing to help, she was going to take it. Aaron always said she was a good woman. He was wrong.

"Okay. I'm Sam," he said.

"Kate."

"Does my team know?" Hotch whispered.

That was strange. She thought he would ask for Haley first. And then his team. 

"I'm sure they'll find out soon enough."

Morgan came running over a few minutes later. Her and Sam hadn't been able to do anything. And then it turned out he was the one that had bombed them. She had wanted to vomit, but there was nothing in her stomach. And then she had wanted to run after him, if only so she didn't have to watch as Aaron faded in and out of consciousness, barely able to open his mouth. Morgan had stopped her. She was too injured.

"I feel cold," Aaron whispered.

"What?"

"I feel really cold."

That wasn't like him. He was, inside and out, one of the warmest people she knew. But the shivers of his body were undeniable. For a moment, she panicked, and then she shrugged her blazer off, ignoring the blood on it and draped it over his legs, cursing herself for not thinking of it earlier.

Trying to get help was pointless. But she was a desk agent. She'd never seen anyone die before. Yes, she had seen dead bodies, but she'd never had to hold someone as their body went limp and cold. Aaron was bleeding out, all over the two of them, and she was desperate.

"Help me!" she screamed.

And help finally came. A paramedic, too good for the world, broke through the barricade and saved them both. She tried to tell him thank you, but he just shrugged her off and focused on Aaron. It didn't offend her. All her focus was on Aaron too.

It reminded her of Agent Morgan's words. How all of Hotch's focus had been on her. She cringed at the memory. All she wanted, aside from Aaron to be safe, was for people to believe that she got where she did because of her own abilities and merits.

"You're going to need to drive the ambulance," the paramedic said to her.

Kate nodded. She was glad that her friends had convinced her to learn how to drive in America, even if all the roads were the opposite to the British ones. Aaron was going to make it. He'd be damaged and broken, but he'd be alive.

"Kate?" he rasped.

She turned back slightly. "I'm right here. I'm right here, and we're almost at the hospital. We're going to save you."

"Agent Joyner?" the man at the front said.

She swallowed. "Sir. Agent Hotchner is going to die if we don't give him medical attention. It's an emergency. I know who you've got in that building. I used to work for the same people he's with now. I understand the importance of protection. But if Agent Hotchner and his team had not come to New York, so many more people would be dead. Let me in."

Despite everything, the other man smiled. "You've not changed a single bit Joyner."

"I know," was all she said, before driving in. The moment they got through the doors, Aaron was being carried away. Against the bright lights of the corridors and the glaring white of the door, the blood all over his legs seemed even more horrific.

Her own ear was ringing to a painful degree, and her entire body ached from driving. There was a sharp pain in her leg and everything seemed slightly out of focus. All she wanted to do was close her eyes for a few minutes, but she couldn't.

Aaron's team got there fifteen minutes later. They were trying to work out what their team of unsubs endgame was. The video of the SUV exploding was playing on a loop. Kate   
had to turn away after she watched it a second time. He'd offered to drive, knowing that even after all that time, she hated it. Maybe if she had just sucked it up, it would be her in surgery not him. 

It was amazing, watching them all work together, but she just felt out of place. They were able to bounce ideas off each other, finish their sentences. They knew exactly what the other was going to say and were able to all offer their own pieces of the profile.

She was just there because Aaron cared about her. And suddenly, telling them everything was the most important thing.

"We never slept together," she blurted out.

Agents Prentiss and Jareau had the decency to look ashamed. Morgan just frowned at her. Reid- the one that called Aaron a narcissist- seemed confused. Rossi just raised an eyebrow and she looked at the ground.

"I'm sorry. I just- he was talking, when he was bleeding out and all that. He said that he knew that you hated him, but he would never do that to Haley. I needed you to know. We were only ever friends. And I got here through my own hard work and dedication."

"It was a ridiculous comment to make, and we apologise," Dave said, voice soothing.

"And he's not a narcissist. He told me to stop trying to get the paramedic's attention because he was just one person. He was willing to bleed out, cold and without his family to keep everyone else safe. That's not the actions of a narcissist."

Rossi seemed confused by her words. There was a sudden spark of something in Reid's eyes, but now that she had started speaking, she couldn't stop.

"And he's not a bully. When we liaised together, he stuck up for me. For everyone. Never spoke over us, always respected people. He trusted me, and treated me exactly the same as everyone else, Agent Prentiss. He was so human, it hurt. I understand that he is your leader and things are different, but I needed you to know that."

"Kate, where is the paramedic you came in with?" Reid asked the moment she stopped speaking.

"I don't- I've got no idea. Why?"

Reid looked at his team. JJ's jaw dropped. Emily closed her eyes. Morgan visibly winced and Dave seemed like he was praying. Kate couldn't help the irrational surge of anger.

"We've worked out their endgame," he said. "The bomb is the ambulance that you drove here."

She was going to be sick. Either that, or she was going to pass out. The pain in her ear had only worsened, and she didn't feel steady on her feet. But none of that mattered. Innocent people were going to die because of her selfishness.

"What do we do?" she whispered.

Dave handed her an FBI vest. One that they had probably grabbed for Aaron to wear. He was the one that charged head-first into danger and hunted criminals. She wasn't even required to carry a gun.

"We find him, and we get that bomb as far away from here as we can," he said.

Kate nodded. When they reached the entrance, she realised what had been bugging her. "Where's Agent Morgan?"

They heard sirens. He was driving the bomb away himself. In some way, she was glad, because at least somebody had the sense to do it, but on the other hand, it terrified her. Because there was no way the Bureau would let her lead after this mess. Morgan was going to be her replacement, but although his actions were admirable and showed great care for his team, they would never see it like that.

"In his own way, he's giving us a chance to save everyone. Let's not waste it," Dave said.

The rest of the team nodded, and headed out. Kate followed, trying her best to ignore the pain in her leg. The only thing keeping her upright was her anger. At the paramedic for being an awful person. At Aaron for being too good. At herself for not putting the pieces together.

They found their unsub. He was holding a knife to his throat. As everyone else pointed their guns at him, telling him to give up because it was all over, the difference between her and them was even more obvious. She had nothing to aim at him, so she drew herself to her full height, ignoring the pain that came with it.

She felt sick, and hoped she wasn't as pale as she looked. Then his eyes met hers. Her blood ran cold.

"I did tell Agent Hotchner to thank his partner. That you had done everything," he said.

"You're not going to achieve anything. Nobody else is dying. Just give up," she said, voice wavering. She wished one of the others would do the speaking. She had no idea what would make this man press the button.

"No," he said. And he slashed his throat.

Kate felt bile rise in her throat, but if being a woman in the FBI had taught her anything, it was that you didn't show emotion. Ever. You did not fall apart in public, you kept your tears to yourself until you went back to your apartment and could muffle your sobs by running the shower too hot and turning the pressure to the maximum.

"We need to get to the hospital," Dave said then.

Kate took a step forward on unsteady legs. She needed to see the body.

Prentiss grabbed her arm. Kate flinched at the touch. She had been the one to suggest that her and Aaron had slept together.

"Don't do it to yourself," she said, forcefully steering her away from the body.

Kate was too weak to do much more than obey. She kept her head up during the silent ride back to the hospital. The most important thing was knowing that Aaron was safe. When, and only when they knew he was going to pull through would she succumb to her own injuries. Until then, she would pretend that the blood staining her clothes was all his and that her ears were completely fine.

"How is Agent Hotchner?" Rossi asked, the moment they saw a nurse.

They shrugged. "It's still too early to tell. He's still in surgery, from what we can see, both his ears and his hearing have been badly damaged by the blast. We're optimistic that avoiding loud noises will lead to a full recovery and return of his hearing but…" they trailed off.

"But what?" Garcia asked, voice full of nerves. 

After she received confirmation that Derek was alive, she'd dashed to the hospital as quickly as she could so she could see everyone else and convince herself that her job was worth doing. They were still waiting for Derek to turn up. Penelope knew exactly what she was going to do the moment she saw him.

"Agents, there's a chance he may never walk unassisted. I'm not saying he'll need to use a wheelchair for the rest of his life, but the damage to his spinal cord and legs is extensive. If it's not a wheelchair, it will be a cane. He will have a life, and he will learn to do everything he wants to, but-"

"He'll never go into the field again," Kate said.

Everyone turned to face her.

And her world went black.

She could hear shouting, and there was the sound of footsteps. Then she was being moved, but she had no idea what was going on. All she knew was that Aaron's team needed to know the truth. Opening her eyes was impossible, but he was in surgery so he couldn't tell them.

"Agent Prentiss?" she choked out.

Someone was telling her to stop talking, to save her energy, and she almost smiled. Only a few hours ago, she was telling Aaron to do exactly the same thing but he hadn't. The two of them had never been good at listening when what they wanted to do felt more important.

"I'm here," Emily said, trying to stay calm.

"We didn't-" she stopped talking as a coughing fit overwhelmed her. Her vision was out of focus, but she saw the horror on everyone's faces. There was blood on her chin. She didn't care. They needed to know.

"We never slept together. We didn't." She was sure she had told them earlier, but her head hurt so much and she couldn't remember.

"We know Kate. We know," JJ said, having rushed over when Emily looked terrified.

"And I- I got here, because I was good. I was good. It wasn't him. It was me. He- Aaron- he loves Haley. Oh god. Haley. He needs her. Where is she? Where is Haley?"

It was becoming harder and harder to breathe. She was vaguely aware of the doctors placing an oxygen mask over his face, and of lots of sound, but the ringing in her ears overpowered it all. Her thoughts were consumed by her need to know that Aaron was going to wake up and see his wife. And son.

She always thought he would be an excellent father.

"She's here," Emily said, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

Kate relaxed slightly. "That's good. He'll be okay then."

JJ nodded. "And so will you."

Kate gave her a smile. Perhaps the team did love him as much as he loved them. Still, there was no harm in reminding them. "You should tell him you love him. He seems to think you hate him. Haley's here though. So I guess that's something."

"Hey, Kate?" a doctor said. She turned her head to follow their face. They had a kind face. It made her feel safe. "That's it, focus on my voice. Your Aaron is going to be perfectly fine. I just need you to relax for me okay?"

"Not my Aaron. We didn't sleep together," she said, again.

"Of course you didn't. He's going to be fine, nonetheless. So relax for me. Do you understand? Aaron will be okay."

Kate felt her eyes starting to close. She was so tired. A few minutes of rest wouldn't hurt anyone. And Haley was going to be there when Aaron woke up, so it was fine. She'd join them soon enough. "Good."

Kate Joyner didn't open her eyes again.

Aaron Hotchner did. 

And when he did, the first thing he saw was the brightness of blonde hair.

"Kate?" he rasped. He wasn't sure where he was, but it wasn't a road. The thing beneath him was comfortable, there was the steady beep of a heart machine, and the walls were a blinding shade of white that hurt his eyes.

Hospital.

Kate had gotten him to the hospital.

He sat upright, but the word started spinning and he had to relax against a pillow again.

"Not quite darling. It's Haley," Haley said, pushing his hair off his forehead.

Emily and JJ exchanged uncomfortable glances. Only a few days ago, they had been making jokes about the similarities. Now, Haley was alive and warm, whilst Kate was dead and cold. They still hadn't decided who was going to tell him.

"Why are you- this isn't your job anymore," he said, not meeting her eyes.

Dave slowly shepherded them out of the room. The team would come and make their apologies later. For now, Aaron needed comfort from the only woman he had ever loved. He would get the doctor in a moment. A few minutes delay couldn't hurt him any more than he already was.

"It is. Because you're still the father of our child. And they didn't know whether or not you were going to make it. I may not be a good person, but I do know that if I wasn't here and you died, I would never forgive myself," she said.

"Thank you," he whispered. "Where is- where's Kate?"

Haley wouldn't meet his eyes. "Aaron…"

He'd heard that tone before. More times than he could care to count. And he knew what it meant.

"What happened?" 

"I don't know the full story. But the doctors said it was something to do with shrapnel and internal bleeding. They did everything they could."

"I know they did. It was me that didn't do enough. I need to go. See her. Before they take her back to England," he said, attempting to swing his legs over the edge of the bed.

Haley winced. She couldn't be the one to tell him. She loved him with all her heart, but she couldn't be the one to tell him. Not this time. It was selfish, but verbalising it would make it too real, and she wanted to believe for a few more moments that everything was the same.

"Let me get the doctor," she said.

"Haley, what happened to me?"

"I'll get the doctor," she repeated.

"I don't want to hear it from the doctor. Not when you already know. What happened? Please, just tell me. I need to know and I can't wait until they run tests or do whatever it is they're going to do. Haley. Why can't I move my legs?"

With tears in her eyes, she lifted her head. "There was extensive damage to your spinal cord. And the blast meant there were severe amounts of shrapnel in you as well. It- you may be paralysed from the waist down."

If the heart monitor did not carry on beeping, he would've believed he was dead.

"Darling, I am so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, and if there is anything I can do-"

"There's not. At least I'm alive, right? Kate's injuries weren't as severe as mine, but because she was so busy saving me, she's dead. She saved me, and for what? I'm never going to be a field agent again. I'm never going to pick Jack up or be independent ever again."

"Aaron, that's not true. There's a chance that if everything goes well, you will walk with a cane."

"Yeah? And how big is that chance?" he was being unfair, he knew that, but he couldn't help it. If Kate had just left him, or stopped fighting for him to be saved, then she would be alive. Unemployed and with hearing damage, but alive. But she wasn't. She was dead, and he was stuck in a hospital bed, shouting at the only person that had ever truly loved him.

"I know you're angry. You have every right to be. But I'm not going to stand by and let you insult Kate's actions like that. The team have asked to see you. Should I let them in when the doctor's done?"

He turned away from her. She sighed, and left him alone. Only a few seconds later, the doctor entered. Aaron moved his hand from his leg too late.

"Agent Hotchner. I'm Doctor Nightling. I'm assuming Haley told you what happened?" he said.

Aaron nodded. "I know that I'll never be a field agent again. I know that. But I need to know, is there any chance, any chance at all, that I'll walk unassisted?"

The doctor sighed. "I'm going to be honest. It's slim. Not impossible, but slim. If everything goes well in your physical therapy, I believe you will walk with a cane. But Agent   
Hotchner, a small reminder. You are lucky to be alive. And so many people with the same injuries that you suffered go on to have amazing and brilliant lives. The wheelchair and the cane that you use won't stop you from being whatever you want to be."

"What I want to be is with Kate. But she's dead. And it's my fault."

Doctor Nighting sighed, but wrote a few more things down. "It's not your fault Aaron. Now, there's not much more we can do tonight because you must be exhausted. Are you up for seeing your team? I don't think they'll leave without at least saying goodnight."

Hotch did not want to see his team, but it wasn't because he was exhausted. It was because he didn't want to see the fake sympathy etched onto their faces, or listen as they told him that everything was going to work out eventually. However, that would be selfish. He wasn't allowed to be selfish.

"Sure," he said.

Doctor Nightling left, and Aaron let a few tears slide down his cheeks. He knew everyone else was right. He was lucky to be alive. There was so much that he could still do with his life. He could learn to walk with a cane. He just couldn't find it in him to be grateful when Kate's blood stained his hands, alongside every other person he had failed to save.  
When the team came in, he shifted so he could look at them properly. They all had identical looks of sorrow and shame on their faces. He hated it.

"Sir, I just want to say that I have never been so glad to see you. And you look very good for someone that was just in an explosion. I'm not trying to act like it wasn't a tragedy, because it was, but I just- I love you. And I need to focus on the good," Penelope said, always the first to provide comfort. She ran over and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Aaron closed his eyes, relaxing into her touch slightly. When she pulled away with a tearful smile, he managed to match it with his own slightly shaky one. It faded when he turned to the rest of the team, who all looked uncomfortable.

"We're so sorry about Kate," JJ said.

Hotch couldn't help but laugh. "Sure. Of course you are. It's not like you spent the entire time we were here mocking her, accusing me of being a cheater and treating her like shit." That was an exaggeration. He couldn't help it.

"She told us that. It was one of the last things she said. That you two had never slept together and that she got here because of her own merit. She was right. It was wrong of us to say something like that. And I'm sorry," Emily chimed in.

Emily, who had always managed to pinpoint his worst fears and biggest flaws and shoot her arrows directly at them. Emily who was probably only saying what she was saying because Dave had instructed her to do so. Who probably still didn't believe he was human, or that he did indeed trust her.

He turned away, blinking back tears. "You don't need to lie to me Emily. I'm a grown man, I can handle the truth."

"I- what?" she sounded confused.

"You don't think I'm human. You don't think I trust women as much as men, which is rather ironic given that everyone in life that has ever screwed me over was a man. Your immediate thought after seeing a woman that looked like Haley was that I slept with her." He wanted to hurt her the same way she had hurt him, and yet his words missed the   
mark completely. Instead of cruel and cold, they came out broken and desperate.

"Hotch-"

"Aaron, what are you talking about?" Dave cut in. For the past few hours, all he heard from anyone was that Hotch had genuinely believed them. When he had tried to ask why, they had all clammed up and claimed it wasn't important. That he didn't need to know.

Aaron frowned at him. "You don't know? I thought they would have told you. On one of your many outings together because I wouldn't be there so you wouldn't have to walk on eggshells or anything like that."

"Nobody's said anything," Dave said.

Spencer was fidgeting, which was completely normal, but he was uncomfortable. Dave just wanted everything to be cleared up so they could get some sleep. Think about their next move. And so that Aaron could be left alone to process the news. Even now, it was clear that he was hanging on by a thread because he was still technically Unit Chief.  
Hotch raised an eyebrow. He was being vindictive. He knew that. And he wished he could stop it, and he knew he should be a better person by now, but before he could calm himself down, the words were spilling out.

"Reid said I was a narcissist. Morgan called me a drill sergeant. JJ said I was a bully. Emily seemed prepared when she said that I don't trust women as much as men. Then she said that she needed to know she could be human. Like I wasn't."

Dave turned to face the team, jaw dropping.

"Come on man, that was so long ago. So much has happened since then, surely you can't still believe that," Derek said. It came out harsher than he intended, but he couldn't help it. There was no way he was still mad about that. It had been something said in the spur of the moment because they were angry and he was there.

"On this case alone, JJ hid her pregnancy from me. Reid barely spoke to me. You accused me of focusing on all the wrong things. Prentiss assumed I had cheated on Haley," he snapped.

Dave finally went over. Hotch closed his eyes. He didn't want anyone to see him crying. Not now. 

"Look at me," he commanded.

Hotch shook his head. Now the adrenaline had worn off, he just felt tired. He didn't want to see how he had hurt the team, or pushed them even further away. He just wanted to   
be left alone with his pain and his hurt. It was what he deserved.

"Aaron," Dave said again.

He lifted his head the slightest amount.

"You're hurting right now. And you're angry. So we won't say anything because it will just make the situation worse. But I want you to know that I think you are undeniably human, a good leader and a brilliant man. We'll come back in the morning. Now sleep."

Hotch nodded, not really believing him. As soon as they left, switching the light off as they did so, his eyes closed and didn't open until morning. Maybe if he had kept them open for a few minutes longer, he would've heard the sounds of Dave shouting at the team for never apologising to him. Maybe it was better that he didn't hear that, or else he would've convinced himself that when they all turned up in the morning, it was out of duty, not love.

He spent a further week in the hospital. Somebody from the team was always there. JJ would tell him stories about the shenanigans that occured at the hotel. Derek would help him move his body as much as he could. Garcia would show him how to knit. Dave would sit and watch him, not really speaking. Spencer would read to him, coming a little closer each day. Emily would bite her nails and look everywhere but his face. 

On his final day, Morgan and Haley entered together. He had requested that Haley didn't come and see him. She had understood why and respected his wishes, but when she saw him, still unable to take even a few steps, she almost wished she hadn't.

The man on the hospital bed was not her ex-husband. And he didn't know that he was going to be staying with her until he could walk again. Which may never happen, but she needed to be optimistic. According to Doctor Nightling, the scans they had done looked promising and so long as there were no further complications, he would be able to walk short distances with a cane in the near future.

"Hi darling. Are you ready to go?" she asked.

With Derek's assistance, Aaron was able to get into the wheelchair. Haley had wanted to do it all herself, but she knew her limitations. There was no way she would be able to lift Aaron into the chair or into the car. And also, the longer it took for him to work out that he was staying with her and not Dave, the better.

He nodded, feeling exhausted from all the final last-minute checks that had been done to him.

She smiled slightly. "Good. Well, I'm just here to keep you company till you get to Dave's."

He fell asleep on the journey home. It made him look younger. When they arrived at the house, he looked betrayed. It made her heart ache, but she told herself the lying had been necessary. There was no way he would have cooperated if he'd known that Haley was going to be the one looking after him. It had been hard enough convincing him that Dave was fine, let alone her.

"You told me that it was going to be Dave," he said.

"I'm sorry for lying darling, but you wouldn't have gone otherwise. Dave did offer, but it was me that you lived with whenever you got injured. I was there after Boston. I know what I'm doing."

It was only when they were inside the house and Derek had wheeled Hotch into the side room that had become his guest room did he finally speak. After thanking Derek for his help, he turned himself around so he was facing Haley. He'd never had to look up to see her before.

Derek took it as his cue to leave.

"You were my wife then," Aaron said. It wasn't an adequate explanation, but it was the only one he could give. There was no way he was going to look at Haley and say that when he looked at her smile, he saw Kate's final grin. Or that her hair was so much softer than Kate's had been when he brushed it off her cold face.

"I loved you before that and I love you now. That's more important. If you really want to go to Dave's then we'll take you. But you know this house and this room. It may be better for you," she said.

"I'll stay as long as you let me," he said.

Haley gave him that genuine, wide smile that had left him breathless when he first met her and still did so to this day. 

"I'd never ask you to leave, you know that," she said.

And she meant it as a joke, but his own smile faded. She wouldn't. When she had decided that she couldn't take anymore and needed to walk away, she had been the one to leave. The only reason that she had come back was because she had custody of Jack.

"I know," he responded.

She had known him long enough to hear everything he didn't say. "I'll let you get some rest. Your physical therapy starts tomorrow."

He groaned. He hated physical therapy. 

But eight months of it meant he was able to walk with a cane. Not always. There were some days when the pain was so bad that he had to use the wheelchair again. Those days always felt like a failure to him. Deep down, he knew that they weren't. That it was good he was able to recognise his limits and not push them to the point of another injury, but it still hurt.

Jack thought it made his Daddy look even cooler. He didn't really understand what was going on, but he did understand that Daddy wasn't able to be the same superhero he had been before, which was fine because that meant he could be a different one, and also that Mommy and Daddy would both be there in the afternoon. Most of the time. There were some days where Haley would come in, and Aaron would be unable to walk comfortably. Once, he had been on the ground, his determination to walk unassisted getting the better of him.

Haley and Aaron didn't know what they were doing either. They weren't dating, but there were certain patterns one fell into when they lived with someone. But neither of them was going to ruin their friendship, so they just carried on as before. It was pleasant.

"I'll miss this place," Hotch said as Morgan hovered in the doorway. As he was no longer able to be a field agent, Hotch had retired from the FBI permanently. Morgan had taken over as Unit Chief, which was all Aaron had ever wanted for the other man. 

Hotch had plans to lecture. There was no way he would be allowed to go quietly into the night. Not with all his experience as a prosecutor, a member of SWAT and a profiler. Strauss had been kind enough to say he wouldn't be able to train new cadets just yet. When he had thanked her, she had just shrugged and said it was the least she could do.

"We'll miss you too. And we will only ever be a phone call away," Derek said. He'd grown older over the months Hotch had been recovering. Aaron would never move past that guilt, but Derek held no grudge. He was just happy Hotch had been able to walk away.

"The same goes for you. All of you," he said.

"Go! Spend time with your son," Derek said, with a laugh. 

They would all be at the Hotchner-Brooks home soon enough, eating dinner and reminiscing over the old days. Each member of the team had slowly convinced Aaron that he was not only deserving of their love, but that he had it.

Aaron grinned, and removed one hand from the cane to pull Derek in for a hug. Derek went willingly, only pulling away when he started to feel his shirt dampen.

"Phone call," Derek said.

"Phone call," Hotch repeated.

A month later, Derek would turn up on his doorstep, soaked to the skin. Haley would answer the door. He would enter, barely acknowledging her. Aaron would be playing with Jack, who would be incredibly happy to see his Uncle Derek again.

Hotch would smile, but when he saw the look on the other man's face, he would take his cane and follow him out of the room.

"Shaunessy's dead. The Boston Reaper is back and he wants vengeance. You're the only one with the knowledge we need."

Hotch, who had always needed to save people, would nod. He would go to Boston, and he would realise that George Foyet, the one surviving victim, was not in fact a victim, but a terrible killer. They would arrest him, only for him to get away because he had been planning his endgame since Shaunessy signed the deal.

Aaron would come home from lectures to an empty house because Haley and Jack were at Jessica's.

The world would go black once more, and when he was met with the bright white of a hospital room, he would not be going home with Haley because she would be leaving. And when he saw her again, it would be after Derek Morgan shot George Foyet dead. He would see her with her eyes closed and her hair dark.

And even despite that stark difference, the resemblance she had to Kate Joyner would terrify him.


	2. the alternate ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically there was an alternate ending that my tumblr peeps got to see, but that didn't seem fair, so here you all go!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's an alternate ending becaue basically i didn’t really vibe with this because it felt... wrong? and like it didn’t really fit with the george foyet arc, but i also really wanted everyone to see it, even though i feel like everyone is going to hate me for it :)

"Phone call," Derek said.

"Phone call," Hotch repeated.

A month later, Derek would turn up on his doorstep, soaked to the skin. Haley would answer the door. He would enter, barely acknowledging her. Aaron would be playing with Jack, who would be incredibly happy to see his Uncle Derek again.

Hotch would smile, but when he saw the look on the other man's face, he would take his cane and follow him out of the room.

"Shaunessy's dead. The Boston Reaper is back and he wants vengeance. You're the only one with the knowledge we need."

Hotch would turn in the direction of the living room. Jack’s toys were strewn across the carpet, just waiting for him to return to. Haley’s dressing gown was on the sofa, her lesson plans next to them. His own papers that needed grading were on the dining table.

He had spent his entire life saving other people. And more lives needed saving now. But there would always be another case. Dave had once told him that it was okay to step away because there would be people waiting in the wings and ready to take over.

There would always be cases. People would always need saving. But his time had passed. He didn’t have a place on the team anymore, and that was okay. His place was at the college. He was saving the lives of his students by being there for them, so they would be able to go on and save the lives of victims and their families.

The Boston Reaper had destroyed Shaunessy’s faith because that was what mattered to him. If Aaron returned, it would be his family that were destroyed because their lives had, and always would, mean more to him. 

“I’ll consult from Quantico. But I don’t want my name anywhere near the investigation. There’s an agent from that case, she passed away. Use hers. It’ll throw whoever this person is off.”

“I hate to ask this, but I have to. Is there any way that you would go to Boston?”

Jack had run back into the living room, Haley speeding after him. 

Aaron would never get to do that again, but he could still watch. He could still come after them and sit on the sofa as Jack entertained the two of them. Things would never be the same between him and Haley, but he could still rest his head on her shoulder as she played with his hair.

Kate Joyner had died thinking Haley was going to save him, and she had been right. She had died to save him, and he wasn’t going to throw that sacrifice in her face by walking away from happiness.

“I can’t do that Derek. I just can’t.”

Derek nodded. “Garcia will send you the files. You could consult from here.”

He’d learnt how to create a barrier between work and home, so he ended up going back to the building to help her. It was weird going back, but being in her bunker was easier than working out of an office.

The gag order meant he only found out what Garcia told him. She didn’t tell him much because they couldn’t have him falling back into the old patterns he had finally broken free of.

Aaron would be sick when he found out George Foyet was the Boston Reaper and he would blame himself. He would blame himself when, instead of just targeting one person, he targeted the entire team, and they were all suddenly forced to double-check every single thing they did.

He would blame himself for the months of fear and stress felt by every single person in the area after Foyet escaped. Haley would do her best to comfort him, but she would fail and the old barriers would start to reform.

But then he would come home from a late class to find the entire team sat in his living room, Haley and Jack also there. He would stare at them in confusion because all the lights were on and the curtains were open. If Foyet was watching them, they would be sitting ducks, and extremely obvious.

They would tell him Foyet was dead. That he had tried to break into Emily’s apartment, but she was too quick for him. A single shot to the head had killed him, and now they were all free.

He would drop onto the sofa, his cane falling to the ground with a thump. He was using the cane more often than the wheelchair now, and to him, that was enough.

“We’re free,” he would say.

The team would nod and smile. Haley would rub his back, just glad that she would be able to see the team all together again. When Foyet had been at large, it had been too risky for too many of them to be together at once, in case he decided he was going to take them all out at once.

He would turn to her. And he would take a chance at happiness.

“I love you,” he would say. “I have always loved you, since the day I saw you in the theatre club. I loved you when I saw you in your prom dress, at graduation, in your wedding dress. And I know I wasn’t the husband you needed then, but I loved you even then.”

And Haley would have tears in her eyes as she responded. “I love you too.”

He would laugh. She would kiss him. Jack would cover his eyes because that was disgusting, but everyone else would smile widely. Because Aaron Hotchner had finally got the happy ending that he deserved.

And when Haley pulled away from him, he would think of Kate Joyner and he would manage to carry on smiling because remembering her was no longer painful. It was peaceful.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really have anything to say... apart from follow my tumblr: yourlocalheartbreaker


End file.
